Sunday, May 2, 2010

Unworthy


I accepted the Lord into my heart at the tender age of 5. In some ways, that has been a real blessing because I’ve never known life without hope or faith in my heart. But knowing the Lord from so early on in my life has also sometimes sheltered me somewhat. I love that I’ve been protected from bad decisions or harm because of my beliefs; don’t get me wrong. But, I guess what I’m trying to say, is that it’s taken living more life and truly getting “out” there in life to understand things better at times.

You see; I was what was known as a “good girl.” I never tried drugs, I rarely disobeyed, and I usually did the right thing. Fear kept me in line. Anytime I tried to slightly rebel, I’d get busted, so I figured it wasn’t worth it.

Now I’m an adult and I’ve made a few big mistakes along life’s way. I’ve had errors in judgment, “mess-ups”, etc. We all do. But it was only when God extended His grace and mercy to me through some of these situations that I truly began to f-e-e-l humbled and unworthy. Seems backwards, huh? You’d think if you were forgiven or spared embarrassment over an error in judgment or mistake that you’d be rejoicing and relieved for that grace of being spared– and I was. But I was also humbled because I began to see for the first time how undeserving we all are of that exact grace and mercy.

Growing up as a “good girl” I could be a little “self righteous” without meaning to. It was easy for me to state what other people should and should not be doing. It seemed so “matter of fact” to me! I could easily proclaim to others that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and that we needed to believe to go to Heaven. I could easily say that He forgave EVERYTHING and that they needed to accept that and not do anything in return. But it wasn’t until I experienced that myself a few times, that I truly understood what it feels like to fall on your knees in total humility over what God has done for us – knowing we are so undeserving. It wasn’t until I had felt God forgive me over my own errors and bad moves that I could understand what He truly did on the cross for me. I always knew it in my head, but it took feeling and experiencing that forgiveness personally to get the message across to my heart.

His love IS great for us. And we ARE unworthy people. We are going to make colossal mistakes and wonder how we became such “screw ups” at times. It’s that feeling of unworthiness that makes God’s love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy so wonderful. It’s that exact feeling of humility that can also help show us how deeply we are loved. There is NOTHING we can do that is good enough to get us to heaven. We are not going to be perfect little Christians. At some point, we are going to need to ask for God’s help and forgiveness. And it is that exact forgiveness that I am so eternally thankful for. I can now see that the Lord was thinking of ME and that “such and such occasion” that was going to happen where I needed forgiveness. He was thinking of me when He died on the cross for our sins. It wasn’t that He was thinking of all those “others” – He was also thinking of me and what I would do in my life and how I would act and think and mess up.

I am unworthy. “Good girl” or not – I am so unworthy. I now understand and know what it feels like to be spared and extended the courtesy of a clean slate when I should be given punishment and discipline. And it’s humbling. But I can embrace that unworthiness and feel loved even more because of it. For there is nothing I “deserve.” It is given to me with grace, honesty, and blessing. Simply because God loves me. How can I not give my life over to Him? How could I not pledge myself to love and serve Him forever?

It’s the greatest gift I will ever be given.

1 comment:

Barbie said...

This is a beautiful post. We are so unworthy, but through His sacrifice He has made us worthy to receive our inheritance as rightful heirs in His Kingdom. His love for us reaches to the Heavens! Blessings!

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