I Struggle

I struggle.

I struggle with bitterness when someone hurts me over and over again. I struggle with jealousy when someone continually gets the “good” things in life – especially if I feel they don’t deserve them or haven’t worked for them. I’m human.

Sometimes I struggle with pride. And selfishness. I struggle with wanting more attention than maybe I ought to get. 

Sometimes my heart can be ugly. It’s not always pure, kind, and thoughtful. No, sometimes it’s vindictive and vengeful.

I struggle. I struggle to keep my thought life pure. I struggle with not thinking about just “me” all the time.  I struggle with gossip and with whining and complaining.

Yes – these are common struggles in life for me. Not all at once – and not all pull as strongly as the other. But struggles they still are.

I have to constantly evaluate my heart and ask God for forgiveness, humility, and perspective. I have to ask Him to show me how to see with His eyes, love with His heart, and think as He would.

When I can catch a glimpse of what He would see – even if for a brief second, it’s amazing how that impacts me. How it turns my issue around and dumps it upside down. 

I usually beat myself up for my “wayward” moments. Wondering how I could get so lost in letting something so dark take me over for a time. But it happens. All too often.

My deepest desire is to see like Jesus, though. To grow to the point where the ugly emotional struggles don’t get at me so easily. I want to grow immunity.

I want to be like Jesus. And I will keep striving to model His example and to become more like Him so that instead of merely hiding what’s in my heart – I can be proud to live it out in the open.  I won’t have to watch what I say. I won’t have to worry about having to make things “right” for I will never have had them go wrong in the first place.

What will I be like when these goals are truly achieved? Maybe somewhat of the person He’s always seen me to be. That will feel so good. I can’t wait to “touch” that part of me and know that Satan is truly losing his grip on me – forever.