It Means More Than We Can Imagine

Touch.

When we touch each other in a moment of grief, pain, doubt, loss… it means something. It means more than we can imagine.

If you cry alone, you feel alone. But if you cry with someone holding you; their arms around your shoulders.. you may still feel alone, but you KNOW you are not. Whether or not they can understand your fear or pain at what is to come, at what is happening, there is something about that grip of another, that helps.

Rubbing someone’s back - holding their hand - wiping a tear from their face or pulling back their hair - those guesturesj MEAN something. They stand for something.

We are not in this life alone. 

We don’t feel pain alone.

We don’t have to weep… alone.

And whether or not we understand, we all know how it feels to hurt. How it feels to lose. How it feels to be scared.

We can stand by and watch. We can say, “I’m sorry.” We can glibly offer prayers. Or we can be there. We can touch. 

I know I want to be there. To offer what little comfort I can to someone else. To give them strength they may not be able to summon themselves. To offer love.

And I know I want someone there for me. When the tears fall down my face, I want someone to comfort me not just with words - but with the love that comes only from their touching embrace.

We underestimate it. But it is invaluable.

Be there. Love.

Touch. For we are all human. And it’s better to go through the tough moments together….than alone. 

Love Is Not Self-Seeking

 

We put so many unfair expectations on each other.

The pressures and weight we place on each other is too much for someone’s shoulders to bear.

No one can meet the expectations we place on them, all of the time. And even if they meet them some of the time, they probably aren’t genuine. Not if we clearly lay them out before them. No. They are met out of guilt, or to keep some sort of peace in the relationship.

Love does not place expectations on someone else’s plate. 

Yes, there are certain boundaries that need to be upheld in relationships. Certain character qualities, and morals that need to exist for a healthy dynamic. I’m talking more about physical and emotional expectations that are only there to meet some sort of inner need put in place by the person who lays them out before the other.

It’s never fair. Never healthy.

It’s control.

People were meant to be free. Free to feel how they want to feel. Free to run life slowly or fast, depending on their personal bent. Free to express their hearts how they want (or don’t want). Free to be quiet, or outgoing.

We cannot, and should not place expectations on our relationships simply because we are insecure, lonely, depressed, anxious, regretful, or you fill in the blank.

These kinds of expectations damage otherwise healthy and normal relationships. They suck the life out of people. 

Maybe we “wish” things were a little bit differently than they currently are. Okay. But other people aren’t “us.” And we can’t make them “us”. 

Sometimes we rate people on our own scale - not on a scale that is tailored to them. And that is never fair. 

We rate their efforts based on the efforts and energy WE have, not on what they have. We rate their interactions based on the interactions WE prefer, not on what they prefer. We rate their expressions and feelings based on how WE think they should be expressed, not on how God created THEM!

And instead of seeing the beauty in the differences, we strangle the life out of a relationship because it doesn’t fit into a mold of where we think it should be.

That’s never love. 

It’s time we love people as they are, WHERE they are. Pray for God to fill in any holes in their lives that need filling, as well as working on our own hearts to be His servants and love others wholly in spite of it all. 

Never placing demands, complaints, regrets, or disappointments onto someone else’s heart.

Love is not self-seeking.

It’s good to remember that.

If we can just let our relationships exist with all their intricacies, we can find joy in learning and sharing life with another human being who adds to our life in ways we hadn’t considered on our own.

This world has enough stress and pressures without us putting it onto each other.

We Want to Avoid It.....But We Should Walk Through It, Together

“Let’s Focus On Something Happy.”

That is something I hear from time to time when we have gathered with family. We start talking about some relative going through something tough, or some crisis or tragedy that has made big news. And we can get in-depth and long-winded about it - to which, I will inevitably hear someone say “Let’s focus on something happy.”

And listen, I get it. There is a time when talking about the unhappy or sad, has had its place. But you know what? Talking about the unhappy and sad.. also has ITS place.

And all too often we want to avoid it.

How can we learn, grow, walk through life together, or learn how to share both the happy and sad in our lives - if we avoid even discussing it?

Life is not happy all the time. We are all too aware of that. Life is happy, sad, ups, and downs. It has hard moments just as equally (sometimes it feels like more) than good. And we should be able to share, talk, lean on, cry with, and discuss those moments with those we trust, love, and who are closest to us.

Those things do have their place. We can revisit them at appropriate times. We can use discernment when a conversation has run its course and we need to move on. But avoiding them altogether - I feel is a mistake.

So yes. We should focus on the goodness of the Lord. We should be thankful for the blessings, answers to prayer, and joyful times in life that we are graciously given. We should share those with others too - so that God gets glory and honor and that other people can grow in their faith.  But we should also take the time to walk through the deeper waters with one another, too. We NEED to.

No one can keep all the sadness a heart carries to themselves. Nor should they. We are here to be there for each other. To strengthen. To advise. To LOVE.

Let’s focus on being there for each other. Whether that means focusing on the happy…. Or the sad for a time.

Let’s focus on helping each other be better, stronger, wiser, and healed from the trauma we all go through in various ways.

THAT should be our focus. THAT should be our goal. 

And THAT will be our strength. Each other.

Becoming Part of Someone's Life Story

Growing up, there was a sweet older neighbor lady across the street. Her name was Rosie. Rosie had a tomato garden and every summer she would bring over tomatoes from her garden. One of the ones she grew, were small, little yellow pear tomatoes. I grew to love them. I would eat them warm, and ripe from the sun.

To this day, I love yellow pear tomatoes. Maybe because I actually do enjoy them. But maybe, also in part, because there is a sweet warm memory attached to them.

Rosie became a part of my story. 

We all have a life story. But what we often don’t realize, is how often we wind up in someone else’s story.

There was also Reuben Larson at church. The man with the twinkle in his eyes, the robust heart “Santa Clause-like” laugh, who always belted out my name in such hearty joy. And he would always say it wrong. He knew me. He cared for me. And yet he could never get my name right. And I didn’t care. Not one bit. In fact, it endeared me to him all the more.  I grew to love Reuben as a child. And I grieved when he died of cancer. 

Reuben became a part of my life story.

These people crafted me. They invested in me. They loved me.

There are so many more people along my road in life, who have become a part of my life story. Shannon, who nurtured and took me under her wing when I lived far from home. Carl, who always believed in me, and ended up becoming my boss, and dear friend. JoAnn - with her small hamburger diner, who made me feel special with her extra love and attention.

Strangers at first, these people. But they cared. They loved. And they became embedded in my heart.

I wonder if I will wind up in anyone’s story? Have I done anything I think is normal or simple, that someone else will always remember and cherish. Do they tell stories about that neighbor lady, or the girl at the supermarket who helped them?

We each have our own life story. We have people who became embedded in our hearts. But we all play a character in someone else’s as well. Do we play a good character, or one we’d rather erase? Did we say something unkind or mean, and someone always remembered it? For we can be remembered - good AND bad.

I pray that I will always keep in mind how I treat others and that I can do something to make someone else’s life a little better and easier. 

May that be a wish for all of us.

Are You a "Joseph?"

Things are unfair. 

I don’t know about you, but I really struggle with things being unfair. I want to whine like a little girl, “But that’s sooooo unnffaaaiiiir!” I think I internally hope and expect for someone to fix it. I’ve quickly learned life doesn’t quite work that way – as much as I’d prefer it to.

Sometimes life simply stinks.

I think, “Don’t they know how wrong they are being?” or “If they could only get to know me or my child, (or fill-in-the-blank) they’d feel so badly that this happened to us! Again – not the case.

Not everyone likes me. Not everyone likes my kids, or my family. Or they do like us, but they have their own interests in mind and are prioritizing something that matters more to them.

Life hurts.

When my daughter was in high school, something that our family thought was unfair happened to her. We thought she got a really raw deal in a certain situation. It wasn’t the first time, and I was just upset about it all. I did my thing – trying to fix it for her. No go. Then I got angry. Then I pouted. Then I went to the Lord (which of course I should have done in the first place.) God softened my heart and helped me get to the point where I saw that I needed to help my daughter process and grow in this unfair situation, instead of focusing so much on my own feelings, and how I was “ticked” about what had occurred.

He brought “Joseph” to my mind. 

Joseph from the Bible. Heard the story many times. Took it in and let it flow right back on out. Until God showed me how to apply it to that very moment and situation.

I talked to my daughter and I was able to share with her how I felt God wanted her to handle this particular situation. 

I told her that some things are unfair. Very unfair. But I asked her if she remembered the story of Joseph. I said, “Do you remember how Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery?”  I proceeded to tell her how Joseph didn’t deserve that. It was unfair. Many things in Joseph’s life were unfair. Prison was unfair. But Joseph did the best he could in each situation. He flourished in each position he entered into. He continued to be the best he could be, even though he didn’t deserve to be there. And God rewarded him.  We all know how Joseph ended up working for the king, resulting in him saving his brothers and family from starvation.

Joseph turned lemons into lemonade. He didn’t go looking for a reward. He didn’t strive for “better.” He simply did the best where he was, and with what he had. 

That’s what God asks of us. Sometimes we are “Joseph’s.” We are in a place, a situation, or a role that isn’t fair. But we need to flourish where we are, for God has a reason for us being there. We need to have integrity, honor, and pride in who we are as God’s servants – and be faithful.

This was the lesson I shared with my daughter on that day.

I think it helped somewhat. I know it helped me. I’ve not soon forgotten that lesson, and I’ve brought it up several times since that day. For I’m reminded that God knows where I am, and what I’m going through. It doesn’t matter if I’m in a prison, a desert, school, or a home where things are hard and unfair. I need to give my all and BE my all for the Lord.

For if I’m faithful to God He will be faithful to me.

How many other Bible “stories” could help us in our today’s and our “now’s?” How many of them do we overlook?

When their lessons are so deep, so relevant, and so powerful.

SO timely.

Joseph was there for us on that day. Maybe he can be there for you, too.

Not Every Family

Not every family plays games together.

Not every family has traditions, legacies, or heirlooms to pass down.

Not every kid grows up in a home where they see mom and dad laugh together, kiss, cuddle, or hug. Some only see fights.

Not every family talks. Some actually, don’t talk at all. 

Not every family says “I love you,” “I believe in you,” “you’re a wonderful person,” or even hugs.

Not every child knows the benefit of having rules and boundaries. Most children may not like rules, but at least they know they usually come with love and wisdom from mom and dad. Some children CRAVE having a parent care enough, to lay down some rules!

There is a world full of families. It can be easy to assume that families and children are all the same. That they all have good homes. 

We can overlook the fact that not every child is safe when they are at home. Whether that is physically, or emotionally.

We all grew up in different kinds of families. Some of us shared often, while others of us were lucky to get an “I love you” tossed our way every few years. And how we grew up, impacts how we see the world, and how we feel about ourselves.

Whether or not we grew up in a healthy, solid family - we can still grow one of our own. 

We can play games with our kids. Love, encourage, and cheer them on in their activities. 

We can take lots of pictures. Listen. And do things together.

Not every family has dinner together. And not every family knows kindness. But YOURS can.

YOUR family can be generous. 

YOUR kids can be respectful.

YOUR home can welcome in other hurting hearts.

It’s your choice.

If you wish you’d come from a family that loved on each other WELL… if you wish you HAD a family NOW that loves on each other well… then start moving in that direction.

Start today. And your whole family dynamic can shift and impact generations to follow.

You Can't Love the Holes Out of Someone's Life

We all have people in our lives who disappoint us.  It may be our siblings, our spouse, our parents, coworkers, or friends.

Usually, it’s someone we deal with closely. USUALLY, it’s a family member. 

Because we care so much about them, it hurts all the more, when they let us down.

I don’t know what it is, but it feels like for most of us, we feel like we can just “love them better.”  It’s as if we are trying to overcompensate for the holes they have personally in their own character, attitude, and life. We feel like if we just showed them love more often, were more vocal or interactive or… whatever… that the relationship would improve.

If…. “WE” did something better… then “THEY” would no longer disappoint us, fail us, neglect us, or hurt us.

Loving is the greatest gift we can give ANYONE. Grace, mercy, forgiveness.. invaluable. They can heal so many wounds and hurts. But if someone CONTINUALLY hurts and disappoints - nothing WE do, will make up for that.

In fact, if we vow to only try harder, do more, and ignore the fact that some healthy boundaries need to be put up (yes - even in close family relationships) we are only fueling the fact that we will continue to be disappointed, let down, and hurt.

People have to decide for themselves that someone is a priority to them.

We can love to the best of our abilities, but some people will just take advantage of that.

We CANNOT love enough to change someone. Oh, how I wish we could! And I’m not saying to stop loving someone. I am, however, saying there are times where love needs to show different action in the face of habitual behavior.

Sometimes, instead of doing MORE, we need to do LESS. And that is the most loving thing we can do for a relationship.

Sometimes, instead of ignoring an action, or behavior, (and calling it love), we need to call someone on it.

Sometimes, instead of giving, and giving, and giving, and giving - we need to let go. And let God address what needs to be addressed. This can be SO HARD, when you are in close proximity with the person who disappoints you. It can be painful.  But no one can move a heart like God can. No one can get someone to WANT to improve or be a better man or woman, than God can.

We cannot love the inadequacies out of someone else.  We can only simply love. And sometimes that means protecting others in our lives from those very hurtful inadequacies. It means distancing yourself, so that that other individual might gain the space and time to realize they miss you. They want you in their life. And that they’ve taken you for granted.

We allow ourselves to be used. To be taken for granted. All in the name of love.  But love is not weak. It is strong. Yes, it’s patient. Yes, it’s kind. But it’s also long-suffering and it has self-control. Those two qualities might have to come in the form of saying, “enough, I will not enable you anymore in your unhealthy habits.”

Love is so powerful. It is so beautiful. But it also has great strength. True love for someone else, might mean removing yourself from the equation of filling those unhealthy holes in THEIR life, and letting them continue.

We will continue to be disappointed by people. But we don’t have to continue to place ourselves as a target.

Love. Love well. But know when to love well by saying, “I won’t be your excuse for not changing anymore.”

Putting Some "Fun" Into Mealtime

With everyone home right now, and parents preparing meals more than normal, sometimes a little “out-of-the-ordinary” can be SO welcome.

We can all use more times of laughter and fun, as we face day after day of “routine.” So here are some ideas to help you love on your kids and family, while also helping reinforce GOOD memories for them.

Not every idea will be feasible for YOUR home, (for example - some of you live in apartments, or don’t have chopsticks) but the ideas are aimed to help you think outside of the box. So let these fuel you on to igniting and sparking some great moments with your family at mealtime.

*Have a picnic on the floor.  Push the couch back a little, pull out a blanket, get out the paper plates and add the food!

*Have dinner inside of a fort you all build together! We once had pizza delivered to us INSIDE of our fort. If you feel comfortable ordering delivery - DO IT!

*Eat out on your deck or back porch.  Enjoy the fresh air.

*Put a spin on eating outdoors by setting up a tent and lantern.  Eat after it gets dark inside the tent. 

*Have festive napkins, glasses or fancy straws. Or let your kids write encouraging notes on everyone’s napkin and place at their designated dinner spot.

*Allow your family to use chopsticks only, instead of silverware. If you need laughs, this one is sure to deliver!

*Make a rule that no utensils can be used at all!  Only hands.  Have finger foods, drink soup out of the bowl, etc.

*Have everyone grab a TV tray and pick out a family movie to watch while eating dinner.

*Switch places at the table.  Everyone needs to sit somewhere other than their normal seat.

*Make normal foods fun.  Add green food coloring to water, use cookie cutters to make shapes in your pancakes…..

*Serve dessert FIRST for a change!

*Have the kids make dinner! Even if it’s Ramen, or carrots and cheese slices, enjoy - because you got to sit down, while they prepared.

*EVERYONE helps clean up. One person does dishes, one wipes the counters, and one sweeps the kitchen. Teamwork.

Sibling Relationships

Back when my girls were in junior high/high school - they once told me that they knew a lot of kids who didn’t like or get along with their siblings. 

That made my heart so sad.  

At the time, I thought they were probably overreacting. I was sure that there were more siblings who got along than they thought. But then I started witnessing some things that showed me there indeed can be a “disconnect” sometimes between brothers and sisters.

For example, my youngest had a program in which she had a part. We had two showings that particular day. One in the afternoon, and one in the evening. My plan had been to go and get my oldest out of school as she had expressed  an interest in watching her sister. I had always encouraged my kids to support one another so I wasn’t ever shy about taking them out of class so they could watch each other in plays, programs, award ceremonies, etc. I did this because if they showed an interest and wanted to cheer each other on – I wanted to encourage that! I wanted that support and love to flourish. 

On that day, my daughter did indeed watch her little sister in her program. Then we had to go back for the evening show and my youngest didn’t have her big part – she only participated in the big group as a whole, for the evening showing. Still.. I felt my oldest should watch and support her. 

But she had other ideas. 

She wanted to sit with some friends which was okay with me, as she was getting older and I wanted to affirm that. But that was when things started to change. Most of her friends weren’t staying inside for the performance but were going to “roam.” I didn’t like that… and I didn’t allow my daughter to participate. She was not happy with me, and she felt alone (even though she could have come and sat by me), but I held my ground.

Why?

For one, I didn’t want to encourage my daughter to be what I term a “hoodlum.” It was dark outside, and I hadn’t wanted her roaming about without adult supervision. I didn’t care how old she was, she was still a minor – and there was still plenty of room for danger and disaster.  I also wanted her to invest in what her sister had invested in. That’s what a family does – you stay and you support one another.

I came to this conclusion: I think a lot of kids might not be close, because they are not encouraged or instructed to invest in each other’s interests. Whether it’s basketball games, plays, or award ceremonies doesn’t matter. We should have our children there to support each other, out of pure love and devotion. Love doesn’t always do the “fun” stuff. It does the boring, the hard, and the inconvenient stuff too. 

Life isn’t always about “us.” If we let our children ignore what is going on with someone else in the family, we are only encouraging them to become more “me” centered. They will always seek “what’s in it for me.”  No, they may not be happy about it, but they will learn to put the time in that is needed, to grow bonds with their brothers and sisters. They will know what their interests are, who their friends are, and how they can help them when they need it the most. Sometimes, they may be our biggest tools, in letting us know when something is wrong or out of character with their brother or sister!

I do understand there are times to give kids a break. If my child has been to every single one of their siblings sports games, and they have a friend show up and can hang out for awhile in a safe atmosphere – I’m okay with that. But that is going to be the exception – not the norm.

For me, I felt that encouraging my children to develop a relationship that would be strong and “other centered” was important. Someday, they won’t have me around. The kind of relationship they have with each other, will be something that will truly be an asset in their life, and something that can be a strong foundation against the tides of the world.

I would encourage all parents to nurture sibling relationships between their kids. Make sure they are taking turns in cheering each other on in their interests and endeavors. After all, that’s part of what being a family is all about,  and if you want a close one--- it takes commitment and time.

Even on the part of our kids.