Friday, February 2, 2018

I Have To Be Enough For ME

I was having one of those afternoons. One of those times of reflection where I was frustrated.  I was frustrated because I didn’t feel like I was enough for someone. I was loving them and my love, wasn’t enough. 

I guess their expectations were higher than I could give. 

I’m sure you understand. I’m sure you’ve felt that way sometime too. Yes?

I was “stewing” over things, talking and re-talking to myself. How had I come across? How had I handled things? 

It grieved me. Truly. It grieved me for two reasons.

1)I didn’t feel like I was free to love how I was gifted to love. I felt like it was always demanded of me to be MORE.

2)  I grieved, because I knew that my love was not coming across and that it was also hurting this other person. I grieved, because I felt that THEY grieved.

And there was not a lot I could do about it.

Sometimes, there are just communication barriers. You can talk till you are “blue” in the face. You can try to phrase things differently. You can be who THEY want, once in awhile (but then you are unhappy because you are not being true to yourself.) 

No…. Sometimes there are just communication barriers and there will always BE communication barriers in this relationship.

It sucks. Let’s just say it as it is, ok?

As I was talking and re-talking to myself, I realized that even though I would continue to TRY with this person, that I could not ever be enough for them. NO ONE, can fill every hole and spot, in someone else.

I realized that I have to be enough for ME. 

Being enough for me, means that I have to love with all I have. I have to forgive. I have to remain compassionate and try to put myself in their shoes. But I also have to put up boundaries. I have to remain true to myself. I have to let some things go. Some things remain unsaid.

Relationships are such a web. They are a web of emotions, expectations, history, dreams, memories, and so much more. We would do ourselves so many favors if we could purge all the “extras” that we place on relationships, and simply accept them as they come!

But, we don’t.

So, we sit in moments like the one I had that afternoon. And we think. And we re-think. And we let a small tear fall down our face over what “isn’t.” And then, I hope like me, you will straighten your shoulders and lift your head. Not in defiance, but in peace. In understanding.  Know you did enough. Even if someone else doesn’t see that. 

Be enough for YOU. 

And let that be the final word.


Anonymous said...

I appreciate you opening your heart. Thanks for being brave enough! Have a great day.

Dionna said...

I try to be transparent. You're welcome!