Wednesday, January 27, 2016

I Don't Want to Get Used to Disappointment

I don’t want to get used to not depending on anyone.

I know disappointment. It has entered and exited my life, more times than I can count.

Circumstances have disappointed me. PEOPLE have disappointed me. I have disappointed myself. And I never get used to disappointment. I never get used to hoping so hard for something, only to have it slip away from my grasp.

It’s just discouraging.

I don’t think I will ever get used to it. I still feel like a little girl when the tears come to my heart and my eyes. I still want someone to “fix it.” I still want someone to hold and hug me until my heart feels better. I still want the world to shout, “We understand. It’s not fair!”

But, the world continues on – in it’s harried, hurried, self-focused pace. I don’t even think most of the world notices my disappointment.

And that’s so sad.

I know, I have disappointed people. Oh, how that makes me wince and cringe! I never want to be the cause of someone’s heartache! But, I’m human. And I know I fall. I fail. I neglect.

So, I try to be fair to others when they disappoint me. But it is tough, sometimes. For I want to protect my heart from hoping too much in someone again. Wanting too much, and being let down.

Don’t we all? Don’t we all run to the idea of putting up a shield to protect ourselves? Don’t we often try to pretend we don’t need anyone, lest they fail us?

We will be disappointed by others. Today. Yesterday. And tomorrow too. It is not fun. It’s not welcome. But it will continue to happen. But I think the worst thing we can do, is to not let others into our hearts and lives anymore. To not hope.  Yes, we may be disappointed again – but we may not. We may find the beauty and joy we’ve always been looking for, if we allow ourselves to remain loving, generous, and open to life.

I have neared the door of wanting to give up on others so many times. But, I want to live and love. Even if that means heartbreak sometimes. For heartbreak means love existed. And I’d rather have a little bit of love in my life from time to time from others – than none at all.

So, come it will. Disappointment. It won’t be welcome – ever. But I won’t let it ever steal away my hope in the goodness of people.  For that would be the deepest disappointment in myself of all.

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