Sometimes I wonder if I’m a very good parent. I try. I try SO HARD. I try to be intentional in the lessons I’ve taught my kids over the years. I try to be intentional in the generosity, the “I’m sorry’s,” the importance of church and moral influences, and in the joy, peace, and ‘rightness’ that comes with having faith in God.
I’ve tried to be fun. I’ve tried to be a good listener. I’ve tried to give my kids space when they needed it – yet let them know I’m always available, and there for them.
And yet, I know I’ve failed miserably on so many occasions at so many things. I’ve yelled and lost my cool. I’ve shared something with a friend or family member when I should have tucked their privacy inside of my heart and kept it safe there. I’ve embarrassed my kids. Said the wrong thing. Been too clingy. Been too harsh. Been too emotional. Not listened enough when they were trying to share. Hurt their feelings.
So I’ve tried. And I’ve failed.
But I’ve also tried, and succeeded. At times.
Only God knows if all my prayers on bended knee or in my children’s rooms will come to fruition.
Only time will tell if my kids can see beyond those mistakes and mess-ups, to the heart that beat only for them for so many years.
I so wish I could have gotten it all right. I wish I could have known the exact times when I needed to speak up, and when I needed to be quiet.
But I did my best.
I tried to soak it all in, for I knew the years would fly by. And fly by, they have.
I tried to navigate it all. Every curve in life, every heartbreak, and every change. I tried to let my kids be who God created them to be and let them make their own mistakes. Oh, how hard it’s been to do that on certain days!
But I did my best.
I put myself out there. Every day. To be judged, criticized, assessed, and rejected.
And yet I hoped, as all moms do. That the seasons and phases of life would change, and those same judgments and assessments would one day be seen in a different light. With a different heart.
For I always gave my best. I did my best. And I loved the best way I knew how. With every inch of my being.
Flawed or not, wrong-timing or not - it was all of me. All of my heart and soul.
All of my best.
My kids deserved nothing less.