Moving the Line of What is Acceptable

I was talking to my girls a few years ago about music. We were downloading some new songs from Itunes and one of my daughter’s was asking me what some of my favorite current hits were. I finally mentioned one that I liked, but was hesitant to buy because of the singer’s reputation.  She told me, “That has a bad word in it.” Really? I hadn’t even noticed. She told me if I listened carefully that I would very clearly be able to hear it. Which brought up a short little discussion on content in songs.

When I was growing up (yes, I can’t believe I’ve relegated myself to using those lines!)…I informed my daughter that bad language in music wasn’t allowed on radios. Now, it’s commonplace.

Why do you think that is?

I think it’s because we’ve allowed it. We’ve desensitized ourselves to what is bad and what is okay. 

Say you have a song that is really vulgar. Everyone is in an uproar about it. But then another song comes out that isn’t quite as bad and so it’s allowed. Then down on the road, more songs come out. Some push the limit, others go back to that one song that was a little “edgy” but allowed and so they too – are allowed, because “hey” – they aren’t “as bad” as the other songs.  This continues for a while until you start having a market saturated by songs that once would have been deemed “unacceptable.” The line keeps moving. And it’s moving in the wrong direction. Instead of starting back where we didn’t allow any of these words, thoughts, or actions; we’ve allowed them in small doses because they aren’t “quite as bad” as some others out there. But the limit keeps getting pushed to worse and worse – more vulgar and more vulgar and so the ones that aren’t “as bad” also keep getting pushed because everyone thinks they are tame “in comparison.”

Just what is “our comparison?”

Whether it’s movies, music, commercials, television, news…whatever….we’ve allowed the line of what is acceptable to continue to move, when in reality it should be back where it started. No bad language. No untruths. No demeaning of people. No sex. The list goes on and on.

For me – God’s Word is what I hold everything in comparison to. His Word never changes. It was relevant yesterday and it will be relevant tomorrow. It doesn’t get to be “old fashioned.” It’s amazing that way.  His values and morals are for our protection. And the line of what is and is not acceptable never moves or changes.

I need to hold what I listen to, see, think, and act upon – on His Word. Always. Just because something is “less bad” doesn’t mean it’s good. That fact will never change…no matter what society does or does not allow.

Love Is The Greatest Of Them All

“Love keeps no record of wrongs.”  God drew my attention to that verse the other day in 1 Corinthians 13.  This part of the “LOVE” chapter had never quite struck me as it did this time.

A very familiar verse to most of us.

“Love keeps no record of wrongs.”

I think it’s one of those things that we are so familiar with, that we gloss over it in our minds. But the words are very important. They are very true.

I think of all of the things that my children have done wrong and how easily I have forgiven them. It comes naturally to me, because of my great love for them. I know they will mess up. I know they will get it wrong. They are growing up and learning. It’s easy for me to forget about those moments. It’s tougher, however, to forget about being wronged by someone else. To forget – and to – forgive. Even if that person is a friend or relative. It’s tougher because we probably have to work harder at making the choice to love.

I think about all of the grievances that I’ve kept a mental note of in my head. How it’s easy to put mental “debits”  in my head next to a person’s name because of mistakes or things they’ve done that have hurt or annoyed me. And yet love keeps no record of wrongs.

So who are we to love? Well…God says we are to even love our enemy.

I’ve been convicted about all the mental “recordings” I’ve kept of the wrongs done to me. Wrongs that maybe weren’t even intentional by another person. They were simply being human. And being human means you will let someone else down. You will anger them at times. You will disappoint them, hurt them, say something you regret. We all do it. We are human.

I would want someone to erase the mental checks they have next to my name. I would want someone else to make the choice to love me and to forget about the wrongs I’ve done them. Oh, how I’d want that! So I need to find it in my heart to do the same for them. I need to erase the record I have of the wrongs they’ve done to me, too.

It’s a tall order. It’s a tough job. No one said it would be easy or fun.

I guess that’s why love is the greatest of them all.

*Published at DevotionalChristian.com - March 2011

Finding Courage Through Tears

One day after school a few years ago, one of my daughters inadvertently allowed me to see something that wasn’t supposed to be for my eyes. It led to a huge discussion between my husband, daughter, and I, which although unplanned – ended up being a good thing. We may never have known something and it was a blessing in disguise.

You know those times as a parent. Long discussions that last a couple of hours. Lots of tears. Decisions that need to be made on the part of the parent and ones that you aren’t always sure are right.  That’s how this evening was for us.

At one point in the evening I moved to the floor where my daughter was and enfolded her in my arms. I know that I’m the kind of person who when I’m really distraught, a hug is the thing I need most. It doesn’t solve the problem, it doesn’t say that someone agrees with me or thinks what I did was okay – it simply says I’m loved despite what is going on and that’s what my heart needs to hear. So on this night, I offered the same to my daughter who willingly took it.

I did something else too. I told my daughter that I didn’t want to condemn her for what she did.  We all make mistakes. I think she really needed to hear this for what she did was totally out of character for her. It was not something miniscule and it truly shocked and bothered my husband and I. But I still wanted her to know that we all make mistakes. For we do. I made a mistake just a few weeks prior to that and certainly know how much I need grace and forgiveness when I mess up. I needed her to know that too.

I’ve never seen her cry so much. I knew she truly regretted what she had done and I knew that it was a mistake made in a “moment.”  We talked and talked. We asked questions. We listened.

Near the end of the evening, my daughter said, “Thank you.” I couldn’t imagine what she was thanking us for. Here she was embarrassed, upset, and in trouble. So I asked her. “What are you thanking us for?” We had all decided together that some changes needed to be made – hard ones. And so she said, “For giving me courage.”

Parents – sometimes you don’t have to have all of the answers. And you don’t need to act like you have it all together and your child should know better (even if you truly feel they SHOULD). Sometimes you just need to listen, put yourselves, in their shoes, and try to understand. Sometimes you just need to be honest (in love), and encourage.  Sometimes, you need to push gently in the right direction all-the-while letting them know that your love, your faith in them, and your devotion to supporting and standing with them, are strong.

I started to tear up when my daughter told me that I had given her courage. It was the last thing I expected to hear. But I’m so thankful for our relationship. She may make mistakes that make me feel like I failed somewhere along the way, and she may make choices that I don’t agree with – but there is nothing she can’t do that would make me stop loving her. And there will never come a time in life that I won’t fight for her – physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  I will always be honest with her.

All I know is that if you take the time to know your child’s heart, invest in them, and listen to them – it WILL pay off. And when you think they are in trouble, they just might surprise you and say “thank you” for giving them the courage to stand up for what’s right when they were having a hard time mustering it up on their own.

Believe In Your Husband's Heart

How can you make your husband feel like a king and treat you like a Queen in return? Believe in him!

Do you know that the average man has never had anyone believe in him? They feel a great deal of pressure to be a success, take care of their family, be involved in their children's lives, etc.  Just like us - they can feel overwhelmed at times and are very afraid to let us down; or fail.

Lift up your husband.  Encourage him especially when he is feeling "low" or having a weak moment.  Pray for him and believe in the possibilities.  Your husband will feel your belief and that will impact him in a powerful way.

Sometimes we expect our husbands to have it all together as the head of our households.  But it can be lonely at the top especially when you don't have all the answers. And no one does!

So be your husband's strongest fan and cheerleader.  Let him know that you believe in his heart and what is inside his soul.  He really needs to know that and to hear those sentiments coming from you.

When we feel special we tend to bloom and grow.  The same is true for your husband.  Watch what happens when you convey your belief in him... and prepare to be inspired.

Don't Take This The Wrong Way, BUT.....

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but….”

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but….”

“I hope this doesn’t sound rude, but….”

You know, the moment those words come out of someone’s mouth, that your defenses are going to go up; because you’re just not sure what’s coming next.  Usually, we DO take it the wrong way and we DO find it rude.

It can be hard to politely respond when we are put on the spot in these moments. I think, personally, that the person knows what they have to say maybe should be better kept to themselves….but they just can’t help themselves. They HAVE to say something.

The problem with this is that the question or comment hangs out there long after it’s said.  And what was intended to squelch someone’s curiosity, or need to give advice – ends up landing on our shoulders and sticking there – unwelcome.  We end up taking on a burden that should have probably stayed with the other party.

There are times in life where we are hurting. Maybe we don’t welcome a change made by someone we deeply love and care about. Maybe we really want to know something that is really none of our business. Whatever it is, the fact remains that if we need to preface a statement with something to clarify that we mean no harm – then maybe we need to rethink bringing it up in the first place!

There are just some things in life that we need to keep to ourselves. Some words, some thoughts, some hurts. And we can lay them before the Lord and let HIM deal with them and with us on whatever is weighing on our hearts, whether it’s idle curiosity, pride, malice, or selfishness.

Some people are very private. They DO mind your asking. Some people are very sensitive. They DO take your words the wrong way. It’s good to think about that before we broach a question that we know might be misconstrued or is too nosy.

Relationships that have a good vibe to them don’t need tentative comments made. Each party knows the other one’s heart and can feel free to ask questions or make comments – because everyone knows they are done in love. There is a difference in the closeness and the authenticity of the friendship or relationship that gives people the freedom to inquire and advise….never having to step on eggshells knowing they don’t have the ground to walk where they intend on stepping.

We need to think twice before we say, “Please don’t take this the wrong way…BUT….” For that “But,” could lead us down a slippery slope and a wedge that will forever sit between us, and someone we love.

Released

I’m finally ready. I’m ready to be released from what others think of me. From the expectations others place on me.

I have always wanted others to like me. Still do. But I’m finding strength and freedom in ME. Not in my own strength, mind you, my strength always comes from God for I am so feeble on my own. But I’m finding strength and freedom in simply resting in being who God created me to be.

Some days the “me” God has created is wise and discerning. Other days the “me” that God has created is soft and compassionate. Each quality always exists, yet becomes clearer on some days more than others, as I allow myself the freedom to feel what I’m feeling, love what I’m loving, hurt from what hurts me, and dream of what inspires me.

As I shed the skin of expectation that others have put on me, as I stop caring if I meet up to their inquisitive eyes or sideways glances; I am feeling more relaxed, more courageous, and more of who I have been all along.

Self-esteem grows in freedom and release.

Tenderness and compassion grow with release from bitterness and hardness, as they get broken up and smashed into tiny bits that are slowly discarded and swept clean from my heart and life.

I love feeling the release wash over me. I love not being afraid that the other shoe will drop at any moment. I love feeling blessed and thankful. I love knowing that I won’t always be in this glorious moment and that trials will always be before me – but I can feel calm and steadfast instead of panicked and fearful.

There is such beauty in release. We hold onto so much. We let it cling to us, and mold its way around our hearts, gripping us with such fierce claws, that we don’t often know how to unwrap ourselves from its hold.

But it’s possible.  And it’s beautiful.

Let it go. Let it all go. Let the pain of the past go. Let the thoughts, words, and unhealthy impressions that others have left on you….go.  Don’t let them have any more power over you.

Accept the release that God has waiting for you. He wants you to be free. Free in Him.

Free indeed.

Leave Your Day Open to Interruptions

I used to get irritated when my day didn’t go as I’d planned. I’d have a list all made out and at the end of the day, I’d see that only 2 things were crossed off. Sometimes, it was of my own choosing. Maybe I’d gotten distracted or felt lazy for awhile and so I didn’t accomplish what I thought I would. But sometimes, sometimes it was due to interruptions from others.

The great thing about life is that it’s always fluid. Nothing is “set in stone.” Each day changes. Each moment can change. There are so many of us. We interact with each other and we affect one another’s lives. We truly are, dominoes. 

When you are a wife and a parent, it is a “given” that you will have interruptions. Whether it’s last minute homework and school projects, or a shoulder to lean on, that is needed – your family needs you. And that’s a good thing, for we want them to need us, don’t we?

I want my children to come to me to talk. I want them to ask for my help. I want to be the one they turn to. I’m thankful when my husband wants attention or “me time” with me.  It means I matter to them. My values, input, and opinion matter.

I have also learned that it’s not just my family that interrupts my day. Maybe it’s a friend, a relative, or a stranger. People reach out sometimes, if they think you care, and they need someone to listen. They need someone to validate their feelings. And it all takes time. It takes time to write someone back. It takes time to listen on the phone and give a thoughtful reply. It takes time to meet someone for lunch or coffee. And maybe none of those events were “planned” in our day – but aren’t they so worth it? Doesn’t it matter more that someone reached out to you and wants your investment than getting that carpet vacuumed or that load of laundry folded?

So, over the years, I have taught myself to leave room in my days for interruptions. I don’t plan for them, but should they come, I don’t get disgusted with them. I welcome them. I’m thankful for them. And I feel like I actually accomplish more when I interact with someone else in a deep and meaningful way than I ever feel like I accomplish by dusting or cleaning or any other menial chores.

Life is about relationships. It’s relationships and people that matter the most. Sure, sometimes, an interruption may not come at the most convenient time…but it’s the fact that someone cares what you think, that means the most.

Sometimes You Have To Ignore the Advice

People love to give advice. Everyone is a ‘pro’ based on their own experiences at something.

When a young lady is pregnant for the first time, every mother in the world loves to shower her with advice. You “need” to do this, and you “ have” to do that.  Often, this poor young lady is overwhelmed and confused. Whose advice do you listen to? And when you actually try it…why doesn’t it work?

Children are individual. What works for one, obviously doesn’t always work for another.  You have to filter advice based on the advice-giver, and based on your temperament and your child’s temperament.

The same is true for advice on business matters, relationship matters, financial issues, shopping ideas…. you name it.

I’ve learned through trial and error that sometimes, as well meaning as people are, they are simply giving me wrong advice. It may not be a wrong method….but simply a wrong method FOR ME.

I cannot emotionally navigate some things like someone else can. I cannot invest the same amount of time, perhaps, that someone else can. My personality may be different, my goals may be different, and my unique delivery of “said” advice may simply just come out differently.

So, sometimes you need to ignore the advice from others. “This works for me” may simply be just that. It worked for them. And that’s fantastic! But it may not necessarily work for you.

You have to know yourself very well. Know your boundaries and limitations. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Know what you want to get out of a situation and where you want to go with it. Know how much you want to invest – whether it’s personally, physically, or emotionally. KNOW.

Once you know these things, you will know when to file advice away, and when to use it to your advantage and blessing.

Sometimes

Sometimes in life, we want a new beginning. A fresh start.

Sometimes, the “others” in our life, won’t want this for us. For selfish reasons, they won’t be happy for us as we make changes and head down a different course. They won’t be cheering us on, or supporting us. Even if they love us.

Sometimes, we have to know in our own hearts that what we are doing is right for us and leave it at that. Let that be enough.

Sometimes.

If life were perfect, everyone would be on board with every decision we ever made. They’d invest in us and agree with us. But that’s not the case. Wisely so. Sometimes, the “others” in our life know better than us. They see the mine bombs we will have to navigate and they see the web we will have to untangle ourselves from. They simply want to help us avoid getting hurt.

Sometimes.

It can be hard to know which voices to listen to. It can be hard to know whose motives are pure and whose are selfish.

Every big decision we make in life needs to be taken into great consideration before decided on. No “rush” choices or changes. No “hasty” departures.  But thoughtful prayer. Time. And learning who to trust, and which “advice-givers” don’t have our best interests in mind. It can be tough.

Sometimes.

God is always there to listen to our hearts. Always there, to send someone objective into our lives just when we need it the most. Always there to wipe away our tears when hurtful words are aimed our way – and He’s always there. Period. He’s ALWAYS there. If you seek guidance, He’ll give it to you. If you need a new direction in life, He’ll show you how to find it.

He is FOR you.  Not sometimes. But always.

Find Where You Fit

For a long time, I was going through some internal struggling. I didn’t have the motivation I felt I should have had in my life and I felt like my gifts were being wasted. I felt like my days weren’t as emotionally satisfying to me as they could have been. I wasn’t being used in the “zone” where I felt most comfortable and at-home being just who God created me to be.

So I decided to do something about it.

Let me just tell you, that if you go to God and want to make more of your life – He WILL honor that. It just may take time. 

Sometimes God is preparing you for the place where He can use you best. Sometimes He’s preparing others for your arrival into their lives. Either way, HE is faithful and we need to trust Him and His timing. Even if it can seem frustrating at times.

My God WAS faithful. And I have seen new excitement and energy enter my life. I feel like someone who was walking through life in black and white and now suddenly it’s all color.

Surely everything isn’t going to be perfect when you “arrive” into that fresh new zone of “you.” There will be hurdles, setbacks, and disappointments just like anywhere else. But there will also be a newfound joy for life and for being yourself. There comes a new awareness of how you function best and where.

I look back and I don’t despair over any season of my life. Not anymore. Because I see how God is always working. Working on me and working for me.  And once you enter your new season and phase of satisfaction and joy, knowing you are right in the place where you should be…. that’s something pretty exhilarating.

We need to fight for ourselves. Not in a prideful way, but in a way that betters the world, for we aren’t good to anyone else if we aren’t functioning in the form that God intended us to. That’s different for everyone, but usually you know when things are just “off-kilter” in your life. You feel like a circle trying to live life in a square. It doesn’t fit. YOU don’t fit.

Find where you fit. Seek it out. Embrace it. Love being YOU in it.